We didn't know Montessori system besides that it existed. There are Montessori schools in Holland but we didn't choose to send F there when she turned 4. There was a good public school just around the corner and the closest Montessori didn't look appealing.
There is a whole post - maybe a couple - about how we came to choose the current school after we moved to the states. It was actually F who decided between the 2 school that we liked. Not one day I regret the decision. I have learned a lot about raising happy kids thanks to this school and I find many answers to the challenges I face as a mother. (sorry for the dramatic voice...:))
Anyway, F is a very nice and happy kid. She is responsible (like many 1st kids) and I trust her judgement of what is dangerous and what is not. I can reason with her: if I can explain to her why she is not allowed to do something, other than saying 'because I say so', she understands it. When I thing about that part of her, she is so mature.
When it comes to listen and behave, well, she is often very sweet and listens -sometimes after couple of times repeating. But when she is tired or overexcited or sometimes I don't know why, she can get busy and just not listen to anything we say. That busyness ends up by me or P being mad and her being kind of out of control. She runs and jumps and does like she doesn't understand we are angry. She goes on till we are VERY angry and than she cries and shouts and sometimes hits and throws things and unfortunately sometimes bugs A till she cries - just to show us that she can do it. I had an experience with her that I felt very bad about in front of a friend. She was running and jumping and not listening and... she spit on my face. Not spit to spit, but more like sticking her tongue out and blowing wet air to my face. I felt double bad because my friend was there too.
Well, we had a long talk about it. I talked to F and later to P. I asked F to tell me what was going on. I really wanted to know if there was a reason she could tell me about her behaviour. I also told her how I felt when she was so out of control.
With P, I discussed more of a strategy.
- No more threatening with things we will not do. Usually P(sorry honey) comes up with genial ideas as 'if you don't listen, I will bring your roller skates back'. We all know we will never do that! I think it is OK to say 'if you don't eat that no desert, if you don't go to bed, no story'. Just keep things in proportion and do what you say, even after peace!
- No more attention to bad behaviour. If one of the kids is crying, screaming, etc we will try not to get angry but set the child aside and give no attention. (we usually DO get angry - so give attention- and set the child apart) That 'attention' part is the key. It is quite hard to ignore somebody screaming and hitting a door! Usually we would be angry, tell why we are, try to explain, try to calm things down and at the end use timeout. Now, before getting angry, just say why and how long and send to timeout.. Every time the child does something I say like 'if you hit the door one more time, you will get an extra minute'. And give the extra minutes. The result: Easier to stay calm (this is the hard part), the other child gets the attention and hopefully the timeoutee calms down.
You probably say, so what, super nanny could teach you these a year ago. And where is the Montessori in this?
All things above are about how to react to the behaviour, which gets all the energy out of your body and needs the patience of the whole world. Come on! In one of the discussions at school, the head of the school told us how she introduced 'resting time' in her house. Without really believing, right after F came home and was getting busy again, I suggested to the girls to go to our separate rooms and spend sometime there. A went without any comment or resistance. F said she didn't want to. She accepted when I said I was doing the same. I was planning to try for 15 minutes. I had a newspaper and my cell phone as a clock. 40 minuted later, yes 40 minutes later A got out of her room with a happy face to see what we are doing. F didn't want to stop: she was tremendously enjoying her 'resting time'. We went downstairs because A was really done. We played some games and had a great time. F was my little happy girl again. She had energy, but it was positive. I was happy I had some rest during the day - hey, mothers deserve some of that, too! - An hour later, F asked of we could have another 'resting time'! The only down side is that she will not do it if the others are not doing it. Well, I cannot rest the whole day, somebody has to cook! But... she was in such a good mood, (we all were), the girls helped me with the cooking. They are supposed to do that according to the Montessori system, but we skip it so many days because one of the kids is tired and busy and not happy.
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